Wise men
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back …
… he made a bolt for the door.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Surprise dad joke from my wife
I will preface this by saying I work in IT. The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was “you’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker” My wife’s response was “but he does work with Windows” I am a proud husband.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline
My wife hit the roof
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name