Wish I was young again
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents…
Itโs a gift…
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
What do you call an iron made circular amusement ride?
A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Donโt be a dick.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the front lines
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Shouldโve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that heโll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane wonโt be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them thereโs no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, โI donโt know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.โ To which Bob adds, โYeah, but maybe he wasnโt a total pussy!โ Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, โDo you have any idea where we are?โ Ted replies, โI think about 200 yards further than last year.โ
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
Thereโs only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And thatโs Chris Brown
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasnโt my test, but I took it anyway.
A Canadian..
Can't.
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
Heโs a small arms dealer.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.