Wishful thinking for those cataracts.
A midget walks into a brothel NSFW
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him. She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?". He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey". The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee. She says "well that doesnt sound so bad". "It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
No text found
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
Our pet duck keeps biting everyone, so I bought a cheap muzzle for it.
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
You can go from fat to fit
With one good vowel movement
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.