With all the panic buying, my wife went to Costco for a bunch of stuff. This is the full result. 1 case of white wine…
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Is that a bacon tree I see?
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says……… "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree." And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? " "Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush…."
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Shockly shocks users into self-improvement. Homeroom Homies beloved jails will be the new college. Introducing Special Situations, the first blog focusing on entrepreneurs in post-moral markets.
Special Situations explores nascent opportunities in markets defined by post-moral dynamics. A market is “post-moral” if participants claim to be agnostic about how I’m their products or used, or the consequences of their use, but rely on the product to be used immorally to profit.Each post interviews a founder operating in a post-moral space.Our first interview was with Preston Everblue, founder of Homeroom Homies, who believes prison will be the new college.Homeroom HomiesOur first interview was with Sarah Dermer, founder of Shockly, who believes calibrated shocks delivered through special glasses can encourage self-improvement — within bounds agreed to be corporate partners. ShocklyPlease sign up! [special situations ](specialsituations.substack.com)If you don’t like emails, follow me, Chad Lin, on Twitter @thechadlin.
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech