With fall around the corner I'm looking forward to

What are bald sailors most worried about?

Cap sizes!

I couldn’t imagine. Poor Tiny Tim.

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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…

They arrested me.

when a conservative says we need to take care of disadvantaged group before accepting new immigrants, check to see if they actually care about those people

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Ok – I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.

legit almost died of laughter

Spin that bitch 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Stay inside. Lock your doors.

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Sure ya did

either way they only have one x chromosome

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Yeah he has a certain musk to him

Why did the Duck cross the road?

Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.

My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.

Horray for fusion

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Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?

Dam right they are.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

I mean, this is America. Anything is possible

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A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.

Prosperity “gospel” preachers

Remember, remember!

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UMMMM 😂

THIS GUY GETS IT

Why is this so fucking funny

Isn’t it ??

That was our intention

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Jail is more than just a word…

… it's a sentence

Heres a bit of advice for you all

Advi

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."