With fall around the corner I’m looking forward to
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
🌽🌽🌽 He was out-standing in his field 🌽🌽🌽
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
