With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
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He was a little chili.
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
We only do hare cuts.
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
She wanted the Task Manager.
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
But he's outstanding in his field!
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
It was here a minute ago.
Seriously, how low can you go?!
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
is it still considered a beef?
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
Because 2022 is 2020 too
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
When the punchline is a parent
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”