With great power comes great responsibility
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
The second time let me down.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Finally, something he's earned
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
Taken: Out Of Context.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
r/dadjokes on you!
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
I think I’m being stalked.
Now we just have to call him Dav.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
But none of them work.
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
It gives me the E B G Bs
I'll go on ahead.
No text found
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
and I've already got a friend in me.
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".