With teskashi69 facing life in prison, we may finally see a mumble rapper complete a sentence.
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
How do I get rid of it?
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
If you can’t come, let me know
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
She keeps asking how my food is.
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
Because 6, 7 8.
I'll let you know
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
The *For Biden* files.
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Could this be a red flag?
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
He was gladiator.
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
He’ll be born in February.
The other guy is fine with it.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
His grades were below C level.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
…You never know when you might need a nail.