Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!”
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
What did the scarf say to the hat?
I'll hang around here. You go on ahead.