Woahhhhhhh we’re half way thereee…..
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
Trump would gladly sacrifice thousands of innocent Americans for economic gain.
https://ift.tt/2xNZYGr
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. “It looks pretty good,” says the first one. “Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second. “What do you mean?” “Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.” The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. “Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide. “Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph – they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.” So they take out Mary and Joseph too. “Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one. “Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.” So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished. “Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.” “Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.” “Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?” “It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
![Trump as captain of the Titanic. [In his own words, with links]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/mz5jyqlij3r41-400x865.jpg)
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
