Woman bad
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
What do you call a child born in a whore house?
A Brothel Sprout
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ainβt no snitch.
My mother always used to say βThe way to a manβs heart is through his stomach.β
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
Iβve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. Thereβs a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know itβs not the best, but it keeps forever and Iβve been perfecting my βauthenticβ ramen recipe. Sure enough, thereβs an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And thereβs literally a whole aisle of shelves thatβs just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you canβt
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
Iβve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonβt rest until I find it.
A cop pulls a guy over..
Goes up to the drivers window, says βlicense and registration please.β Guy says βhere is my registration, Iβm sorry but I donβt have my license on me.β The officer, in a good mood replies, βthatβs okay, whatβs your name I can look you up in our systemβ βNickβ βNick… what?β βNick nothing, just nick.β Cop says βokay Iβm trying to be nice, donβt fuck with me. Explain.β Guy replies β Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. β βOne night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. βThen the VD took my Johnson so now Iβm just Nickβ
I asked my wife if she wanted to get pregnant. She said βare you kidding me?!β
I said βhopefullyβ
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
Itβs really hard to pull off.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, βIβll have a pint of blood.β The second one says βIβll have a pint of blood also.β The third vampire says to the bartender, βIβll have a pint of plasma.β The bartender says, βSo, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?β
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."