Woman bad
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse
"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" She ran out of the room…..
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
I was going to start an all cashew diet
But then I realized that’s just nuts…
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
