Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
I don’t know and I don’t care.
The Fast and the Fuherous.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
They have no Seoul .
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
A small medium at large
They took him into custardy
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I think I might be a heroine addict.
But there’s too many drawbacks
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing