Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
A four-chin teller
I have selfish steam issues.
They were cooked in Greece.
Because he has herd them all.
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
He meant well.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
Religion brought them together
Man: AND ?
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
None of them work
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Zero school shootings so far this year.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
I am lack toes intolerant.
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
You never turn your back on your family.
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."