Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”