Women bad
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I told her, “Just you wait.”
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.