Women bad
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.
It was motherfucking gold.
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.
The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes. The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following: 1) she wants 10 million dollars 2) she wants to be 18 years old again 3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year old human male After she finishes asking for her wishes, the fairy bursts in a bright flame and disappears. The woman is blinded for a short while but soon she can see again and realises that all her wishes have been granted. She sees on the floor that there is a large open chest with stacks of money in it. Looking to the mirror on the wall, she is thrilled to see she is now youthful and very beautiful and she also realised that she is feeling very frisky indeed. Finally she looks to where her cat was sleeping by the fire and amazed, she sees that he is now the most handsome man she has ever seen. Slowly he stretches and then smoothly stands up in one cat like flowing motion and looks intently into her eyes. Her heart starts to race and she noticed that his eyes are the same bright orange that they used to be when he was a cat. Tentatively, worried she might break the wishes, she say, “Hi Tiger, how are you feeling?” Tiger continues to stare at her for a few more seconds and then he says, “Well ducky, I bet you’re feeling really stupid that you got me fixed all those years ago!”
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
