Women bad driver!
Who said proxies can’t be fun?
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
hello darkness my old friend
It’s TRUE !!
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
hahahaha phone bad chore good
End the lockdown!
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
Well it rarely happens……
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
Let him vibe
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
His lies are lethal, in more ways than one …
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Healthcare in America (2020, colorized)
Suffering from directile dysfunction
Fake Commercial #4 – Antivison glasses
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
Cations are Pawsitive!
Guy realises 15 minutes is a quarter of an hour
Valentine’s day is coming…. Oh no.
Boomer uncle + Facebook
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
When Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did another mic drop …
No one died of laughter since 1989
What rises when you sit on it?
he LITERALLY caught the bug 😂🤣😅
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
Turkey season is upon us
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
Processed foods and lead have apparently fueled a superior generation.
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
And he’s still their ex-president
He does know
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous – George Orwell
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
The Scroll of Truth Never Lies!
Insider Trading 101
Found in the wild
Yeah. Merry Christmas, from the rodent community. 😆
asking for a friend
Beer me another beer
Do big-pharma next
It’s funny because it’s accurate…but also sad because it’s accurate.
When bugs become features
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.