Women bad drivers
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
Where do dogs keep their cold summertime treats?
In the pant-ry
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)