Women bad drivers
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder