Women can’t control their emotions
Warning, this is a huge spoiler
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Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer.
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Bro is hallucinating
Bro is hallucinating
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.