Women dumb
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
In case youโre thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyโ-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donโt.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldnโt stomach my cheesy jokes.
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now Iโm two hours late and I donโt even like Jim Carey
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
Sheโs still not talking to me.
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. โHoney, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.โ Wife: โMy God! Whatโs happened?โ Husband: โShe got fired tooโ
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, hereโs my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once youโve seen Juan youโve seen Amal.
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
Aย BrrrrGrrrrr
Conjunctivitis.com
Now thatโs a site for sore eyes
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
When a women is giving birth, sheโs literally kidding.
No text found
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
โฆwith a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.