Women stay in the kitchen amiright?!?!
It was our first midwife crisis.
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
Because parking is for ten ants only!
He’s a small arms dealer.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I learned next to nothing.
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
I thought, how dairy
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
Because he spends years at C!
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Add spring water
Their words, not mine.
His next poop could spell disaster.
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
They don't have Seoul.
Are their children called ice cubes?
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
But they're a solid #2
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
The distributive property.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.