WOMP, WOMP
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door