Wonder how long it’ll stay up
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out