Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
Pretty woman sneezes…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.