Won’t Get Fooled Again
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.