Won’t someone please think of t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶r̶e̶n̶ my portfolio?
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired