My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home. Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
A wife asks her husband, “Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh… no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No!" he said… trying hard now to hide his anticipation. She said "Might want to check the garage".