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I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
No text found
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
This is you too, Don’t lie
This is you too, Don’t lie
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
The first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said