Words in mouth
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, āI donāt have time for this shit.ā
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
Iām not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, itās buttered. But on the downside, itās not.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesnāt believe me.
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while heās drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, āDid you see what your monkey just did?ā The guy says, āNo, what?ā āHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!ā says the bartender. āYeah, that doesnāt surprise me.ā replied the patron. āHe eats everything in sight. Iāll pay for the cue ball and stuff.ā He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heās in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. āDid you see what your monkey did now?ā, he asks. āNow what?ā, responds the patron. āWell, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!ā says the barkeeper. āYeah, that doesnāt surprise me.ā replied the patron. āHe still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!ā
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see whoās best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: āWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.ā āI found a bear by the stream,ā says the minister, āand preached Godās holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.ā They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. āLooking back,ā he says, āmaybe I shouldnāt have started with the circumcision.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
āDad, what are condoms for?ā
āUsually to avoid answering questions like these.ā
Her: Iām pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.