Work documents!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
No text found
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident…
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
A new study shows 9/10 people who are afraid of hurdles…
Never get over it.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent