Work_bad
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Year’s!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
What’s angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.