Worked a horse show last week, broke all the rules.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
A man walked into his doctor’s office…
…complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar. The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer." "No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed. Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse. "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??" "WHAM!!!"
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow. Girl: What does that have to do with anything? Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"