Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crΓͺpes.
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
No text found
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
Thatβs how you know theyβre a keeper.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, βHave you read Marx?β
The other one replies, βYes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.β
When collaborating on a Word doc goes wrong…
Especially if collaborators don’t stick with the format.https://ift.tt/2Ew0T1o
What starts with βWβ.
No text found
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
Β he found himself thinking she probably had aΒ really hotΒ daughter.Β The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if heβd ever had a Sportsmanβs Double?Β βWhatβs that?β, he asked.Β βItβs a mother and daughter threesome,β she said.Β As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, βNo, I havenβt.βΒ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, βtonightβs your lucky night.β They went back to her place, they walked in.Β She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: βMomβ¦you still awake
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I canβt see it taking off.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you canβt see in the dark
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
My friends asked me why Iβve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, βI have my raisins.β
