Working from home
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
One’s an elephant.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
Because then it would be a foot
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NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
at the ol factory
Just to take the edge off
He wants to make America grate again.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
Now I’m clean.
especially when I went for seconds
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
Nobody thought it was funny.