Working on an existing codebase as an inexperienced programmer
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
Velcro is such a rip-off
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A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
