Working on personals projects like…
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
“Social Media should not fact check posts” says child molester Mark Zuckerberg | The Chaser
https://ift.tt/2TNB1mk
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
![Giraffe problems [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Q2KDLEx-400x400.jpg)
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
