What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
I think we can all agree, that He is truly the immortal one.
I think we can all agree, that He is truly the immortal one.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”