I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to a full work-up on the patient. His temperature is good, his blood pressure is fine, blood tests come back normal… so the doctor says to the guy, "Everything physically appears fine with you. Let's discuss your lifestyle… tell me about your average day? Is it stressful?" The guy replies, "Not stressful at all, doc. See, I was born into money, I have never worked a day in my life. I have all I need; multiple homes and cars, beautiful art, women on my arm at any time, nothing is stressful! I literally just sit around all day, watching porn and eating Cheetos…"
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.