World Never Says Hi Back to Me
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
![[OC] Guess The Pun #50: Dance like No Bun is Watching](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/no_image_card-28-400x247.png)
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
In order to improve higher education…
We must build taller schools
![In parts of Upstate NY, the [i] in words like “milk” is pronounced like an [e], like “melk.” This means that on Reddit, instead of getting “gilded,” you get…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-33-400x247.png)
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers
