World’s fastest Gpu fan?
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
My ex wife drowned in coffee
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."