World’s fastest Gpu fan?
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
Donald Trump was due to get circumcised
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
There are four kinds of sex.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen… Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer…. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end." The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead." Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket." When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
