World’s fastest Gpu fan?
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
President Trump made it illegal for stores to sell shredded cheese
“Make America grate again”
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
