World’s fastest Gpu fan?
Welcome to Earth
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
There’s more, I swear.
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
It’s the same for every language.
Software Developer Expectation vs Reality
This is just too evil…
Who was that idiot person???!!!!
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Spotted on English lecture
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
Trump might be inconsistent on a lot of things, but his projection is 100%
Haha, young people dumb.
Shared unironically on fb
I mean, that’s where it’s going to show up first
When the Juggalos are more “presidential” than a candidate.
Say what you want about Bette Midler, but this is pretty goddamn funny.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
Not only a boomer but a Man Utd fan.
Found this on tumblr
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Ahh… so THAT’S why she’s still in!!! Brilliant!
It always has been …
I accidentally declared my counter as Int16
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
SO you’re new to programming?
Boomers don’t discriminate
My mom just send me this.
time to sleep
My kind of lady
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
I’ll go for the extra $50
Not mine, stole it from r/memes
I was addicted to soap once.
Now I’m clean
Everyone has that one special friend
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
*Lung noises intensifies*
Subverting your expectations!
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
Relationships so far.
So wake me up when it’s all over…
Amazing reason to love it!!
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
One day a guy dies…
…and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay — you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean…? Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die — you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays
how could we doubt einstein
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
He tried his best :/
Found on Facebook
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
Heart Shaped Box
Winner Becomes Next President
Gets me every time
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
The counter was reset today, we were almost into the double digits
Does this fit?
Fastest switch in the west