Worst Alternate Universe President Ever
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
I saw a fat bird down the pub
And her T-shirt said – Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee."
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
![[VIDEO] [PARODY] When you Push Directly to Master](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-106-400x247.png)
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.