A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…."
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
I couldn't put my finger on it….
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
Because they are not when wolves
Slaves are given food and housing.
I haven't heard back from him since
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
Because he is an absolute unit.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
it’s not stroganoff.
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
Same middle name
He really gets a kick out of it.
She knew how to carry The One
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
sadly it was a Type-O
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…