Wouldn’t have got it otherwise
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
A farmer has four beautiful daughters
He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder. Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?” The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?” The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?” By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.