Wouldn’t have got it otherwise
A man decided to become a monk
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I dunno if someone has found this before but I found it at a place im cleaning today
https://ift.tt/30ErCzz
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year