Wouldn’t have understood it with out the caption
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
A Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A SEA-SAW
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.”
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
A lion never cheats on their wife
But a Tiger Wood.
