Wow!
Dust
[Removed]
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
For Christmas, Iβm getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
I was walking through a quarryβ¦
I said to the foreman, βThat sure is a big rock!β βBoulder,β he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest andΒ shouted,Β βTHAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!β
Sperm count
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!! " The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
One cow asks another cow, βAre you afraid of mad cow disease?β
The other cow says, βWhy should I be? Iβm a helicopter.β
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself βthese should be free of chargeβ.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
Why are the women and children evacuated first?
So we can die in peace.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesnβt let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Wanna feel old?
Wait
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
βHow much to buy a singing ensemble!?β I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
βFine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?β