wow
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline
My wife hit the roof
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
We’re in Trouble
The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work. There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military. Leaving 14.8 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East. Which leaves 12 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.