Wow!
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I’m selling my dead batteries.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
I TA a CS class, and a student put some facts in his first-quarter self-assessment…
https://ift.tt/36BV9wv
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo