Wow, Donald Trump
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
Know what’s remarkable?
Whiteboards.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!