Wow like we didn’t already know
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
My daughter thinks I’m overprotective and nosy
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence