Wow like we didn’t already know
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
When your project had 300+ bugs, but insted of correcting them you make 300+ workarounds
https://ift.tt/2Q7RSOP
A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction…
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility
If only they could see me now!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
