wow so funny
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: “I’m gonna deliver the Baby”
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”