Wow so savage ๐
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHEโS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they donโt have it, but because they canโt figure out how to read the tests.
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. Thatโs where I draw the line.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughterโs date says, โI can get the peanut out.โ He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the fatherโs nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, โIsnโt he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.โ The father says, โFrom the smell of his fingers, Iโd say our son-in-law.โย
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
What do you call two boobs that are identical?
Identities.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
everyone knows fries aren’t fried in France
they're fried in Greece.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
Whatโs Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldnโt see that well
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Heโs a pickup artist.
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Chess
So I started practicing my chess skills the other day. I've played against myself over 100 times! I'm pretty sure it's working! I haven't lost a single game yet